24 Very Good Reasons Not to Visit Australia

All the continents on the planet used to be a single, contiguous land mass called “Pangaea.” Scientists believe that Pangaea was split up by tectonic forces. But the truth is that they all slowly backed away from Australia out of fear.

 

“It’s cool, man. Everything’s cool.”

Australia is home to the most dangerous animals on Earth, the average temperature is one hundred thousand degrees (Celcius) and the national sport is drunken headbutting. If you’re thinking about visiting, please consider the following true facts, which are all 100% accurate and not grossly hyperbolized for comedic effect.

 

Koalas are actually horrible

The koala is a completely over-hyped animal. Although they’re considered cute and cuddly, their actual lives are depressing and sordid. They’re a profoundly stupid animal, with the smallest brain-to-bodymass index of any mammal. They spend 18 hours a day asleep, and when they’re awake, they do nothing but eat eucalyptus leaves and occasionally make a noise that sounds like a hungover rhino dry heaving. Worst of all, baby koalas eat their mothers’ dung because they can’t digest their precious eucalyptus without the bacteria found therein.

Oh, and they all have chlamydia. Seriously.

 

Thankfully for this man, it’s not transmissible to humans.